This is awesome. At first I thought it was a rather cryptic ending and then I realized that it is referring to the beginning, spring (the capital and lower case letters helped) which kinda symbolizes the cycle of the seasons. I like the way its told from the point of view of the vine and how the progression of the seasons models the bearing of a child.

Creative title. It's appropriate as it sounds like a name a mother might call her child.

In advanced critiques I like to offer suggestions on how a writer might imporve a piece, but I really can't think of anything to say. I'm not very familiar with etheres but sometimes in this piece the lines break abrubtly and disrupt the flow, but I guess that was necessary in order to have the right number of syllables.

I really like this. I try to fave only one piece per each writers gallery but....I can't....resist.

Oh, and ~crackclown did an excellent job on the preview image, as usual.

wow. thank you so much for this critique. you completely understood everything that i intended to convey with this--from the intentions of the title to the cyclical feel paralelling that of the seasons and the theme of the poem...

i agree that sometimes the line breaks were a bit abrupt, but were necessary to maintain the proper syllable count for the Ethere. are there any particular ones that throw you off?

thank you again, so much, for such a thorough critique and for the wonderful compliments. i'm so glad that you enjoyed it.

oh, and i will be sure to let ~crackclown know that you liked the illustration. he always does such amazing illustrations for me. this one i especially love.

This is the most wonderful thing I have ever seen you do... trully... I agree with the gentleman below, there is nothing that I can say to improve on this piece... the changes we discussed before you posted really made this piece live and breath and become tyhe thing you wanted it to become... I'm trully proud of you with this one... keep up the excellent work...

thank you.
this means so much to me...
and your illustration for it is just perfect...

This is a fantastic poem. The end of the first stanza is so incredibly full of multiple meanings that it makes my head swim, and the most wonderful thing about it is that every meaning is applicable and relevant to the poem. Great work. I will probably be back in a couple days after this has time to stew with a few more read throughs to season it. Good Day ~* DP

--
~DevUnity: We ARE what it takes*

(*that means you)

thank you, thank you!
and please do come back to give more thoughts.
i appreciate your critiques very much!

I haven't tried to write one of these before, but after reading your poem I really want to.

You utilize the form and flow extremely well, especially in your opening stanza. There's a great feeling of immediacy in this poem, of the rise and fall of each stanza, building tension throughout. Possibly you could enhance that sense of immediacy by replacing "and" with "while" in the beginning of the second stanza, hence showing all of these things happening in a sort of overlapping fashion.

Also, in the 6th and 7th lines of the 2nd stanza I might also suggest, for the sake of flow, a small rearranging of words: "unforgiving light. By/August, though, the days became" to make the phrasing a tad less awkward. It still keeps with the syllabic rules of the form, but at the same time keeps the rise and fall that you have throughout the poem in tact.

I love the cyclic nature of this poem. At the end, it is still the end, but you can go right back up to the first word and read all the way through again. Is this a technique that is always used in this form, or did you come up with that on your own? If you did, that's great.

Just to let you know, the 6th line of the third stanza has only 5 syllables, and the stanza itself has 11 lines. It looks less triangular than the rest of the poem and sounds a bit off, which was how I picked up on it. Nonetheless, it was still a lovely stanza.

This is a very interesting form and you use it very well. I only gave so much critique because you have "advanced critique encouraged" checked. If I'm being too nit-picky, let me know and I'll back off. I always seem to write more than anyone else in critiques on DA, and I don't want to put people off with my critiquing.

As a side note, I absolutely love all of the artwork that you use for your poems. Your friend is mighty talented.

--
Art is dead. Long live Dada. - Tristan Tzara

Thank you SO MUCH for this critique! Don’t ever be afraid of being too nit-picky with me. This is what I always hope for and don’t usually get. So thank you.

And to be honest, reading through your gallery and the different forms that you use is what made me decide to finally try a form again, after a long hiatus. So maybe you should try one of these and I should try your favourite, the ghazal.

In the second stanza, I had actually tried using “while” instead of “and”, but then decided against it. I didn’t want to make the seasons overlap at all. What I really like there is “for”, but then it would have to be “summer/to nudge its way” and that leaves four syllables in the third line, which means adjusting the following lines. So I’m going to play with that a bit. I could easily substitute “then” at the beginning. That way it gives the idea that it’s a subsequent action, and I could leave the third line as is. But I’m not sure I like the flow of that as much. Opinion?

I like your suggestion as well with "unforgiving light. By/August, though, the days became". But I do think that if I change that part I may need to change the eighth line, because I don’t like the “and” there. Since I’m already changing that first part, I’m just going to change it all around a bit now.

Wow…I can’t believe that I put eleven lines in the third stanza and completely missed that!? So like you said—the sixth line has only five syllables, but that’s because I doubled up on that one. I have two with five syllables, and went on from there okay, I think. So I’m going to rework that whole stanza now, too. I'll post the edited version as a response to this. I need some time to look at it, but please let me know what you think once it’s reworked, if you can. I would really appreciate it.

Leading back into the beginning with the end of this form is something that I just decided to do, not anything I’d read anywhere else. I just felt that it was very fitting with the topic and with the cyclical nature of the seasons, and all. I’m so glad you enjoyed it. Thank you.

And again, thank you so much for your advice and for your compliments. Really, it means so much to me. I especially appreciate it, as I respect your writing a great deal.

I will be sure to pass your compliments on to for his artwork, as well. I agree with you entirely—he is a mighty talented guy. I absolutely love working with him.

spring,
and you
plant your seed.
Rains taper, and
you watch carefully
during those first eight weeks.
As my flower blossomed, your
seed nurtured in my fertile womb,
you fled. Ran through the thick iron gates
that protected my garden, left them ajar

for
summer
to nudge its
way in, leave me
parched and exposed in
its merciless light. By
August, though, the days became
cooler, and left me exhausted.
Just a skeletal frame now; bearing
boldly the fruit of your plunder—my soul.

Come
autumn
you became
ripe, and ready
for birth. Once cut from
the vine which had joined us,
I no longer had reason
to live. I, a barren shell of
what once gave you life. You exploited
proudly, a paragon of the season.

By
winter
you were dead.
You had shriveled
into a shell. They
boxed up the memories
and took you outside to rot
tossed carelessly upon a pile,
the last remains of mother and child
disintegrate together. Awaiting

omg this is so pretty & so sad! def. a +fav. & def. have to check out your gallery

-ian